Have you ever found that the same old problems keep cropping up time and again in your relationships?

It can often seem no matter how hard you try to change your relationship. Or change the type of person you end up dating. Your relationships often pan out in the same old way.

Neurobiology of attachment tells us that parent-child interactions in the first two years of life actually encode within the brain pathways of responses to stress and difficulty in our relationships. In a sense this means you are internally pre-programmed to have certain expectations of how others will respond to you in times of relationship stress and difficulty. This can then set the tone for your own emotional responses and behaviour towards others within your close relationships.

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Having a baby is exciting and challenging and can raise many positive and negative feelings and thoughts. Feeling anxious or depressed during this period can make it difficult to cope and leave you feeling like you are not a good enough parent. An expectant, or new mother or father can easily feel shame or guilt around having negative feelings at this time and that can get in the way of seeking help. The reality is many parents feel similar thoughts and feelings. Getting help as early as possible can lead to a faster recovery and lessen the impact on your baby, your partner and yourself.

No-one can quite prepare a new mother for the rollercoaster ride of pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood. From coping with the physical changes in your body and your view of your sexuality and identity, to hormone fluctuations, physical exhaustion and the emotional highs and lows of motherhood. A new mother faces all of this within herself whilst caring for her newborn and all that that entails alongside managing the changing dynamics of her close relationships.

For an expectant father the impending arrival of a baby is a major adjustment to their life and gives rise to many powerful and conflicting emotions. The dynamics of his relationship with his partner adjusts when the newborn when it arrives and a man can struggle with finding how he fits into things. Added to this is coping with physical and mental exhaustion whilst feeling the pressure and expectations of providing for his family.

Given all of this it is understandable that so many new mums and dads experience mental health problems during the perinatal period (defined as from conception to one year old baby).

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My clinical experience, theoretical training and qualification is in Psychodynamic Counselling and Psychotherapy. When people hear of this they can look quite anxious as I think the word ‘psycho’ understandably rings alarm bells and raises quite distressing ideas and images.

As a psychodynamic therapist I am a sensitive, empathic and non-judgemental practitioner. I aim to assist my clients to develop more insight and self awareness around how they manage their life and relationships to help facilitate personal growth and change.

But what do I do? What is this ‘psycho’ bit and what does it mean?

The Historical frame

Psychodynamic Therapy has its origins in the work of Sigmund Freud and is based on the principles of psychoanalysis. Psychoanalysis provides a developmental perspective for understanding our emotional and relational journey in life and childhood experiences are seen as critical in shaping the adult personality.

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In my years as a therapist I have worked with a wide range of people experiencing many different emotional or mental health problems. I feel we all experience life and relationships differently and view things from our own individual lens. This lens could be seen as a product of our upbringing and development from childhood to adulthood. This lens understandably may affect our responses and adaptations to current difficulty as it arises in our life and relationships.

Whether there is agreement that distinctions around gender and male or female roles ought to exist, the reality is that most cultures have different expectations of the sexes. These may vary from individual to individual and change over time yet they do exist. Research is now bringing to light the fact that men as a sex face specific emotional and mental issues that society is not readily aware of.

Research studies in the UK indicate:

• Almost three quarters of people who kill themselves are men.
• Around three quarters of adults who “go missing” are men.

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Over the years I have worked with many clients experiencing anxiety that impacts on some, or all, areas of their life and relationships. Often there are other factors, issues or related symptoms such as low mood, depression and repetitive negative thinking.

Worries about work, relationships and specific areas or situations in your life can be a natural aspect of your life. When your worries become more constant and you find it difficult to stop or control your worrying then it becomes more of an issue. When anxiety begins to impact on your daily life and ability to manage and function at work, home and in your relationships you could benefit from seeking help from a counsellor, psychotherapist or other mental health professional.

Panic attacks are a sudden intense feeling of fear and powerlessness and they literally feel crippling and overwhelming. A person can feel like they are going to die such is the extent of the physiological response. This can include a racing heart (with possible palpitations), shortness of breath, dizziness, trembling and dry mouth. ‘Fight or flight’ is an instinctual and primitive bodily response involving a sudden rush of hormones and chemicals, blood is redirected from the brain to the muscles and organs in preparation for fight or flight. This leaves the prefontal cortex of the brain, the thinking part of your brain, with a limited supply and you literally cannot think or reason. Panic attacks may arise due to a specific trigger, or situational factor, or be related to a specific panic disorder or a symptom of your anxiety.

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“What we should be worrying about is if people are ok, not what they look like.”

When Mel Rymill, an Australian new mother, attended her first gym session, her personal trainer assumed “Obviously you want to get back to your pre-baby weight”.

“That it was a statement, and not a question”, offended Ms Rymill, who responded by declaring her desire to regain core strength and endurance after her pregnancy. At home that evening Ms Rymill posted an image on facebook of herself in her “nana undies and bedtime nursing bra.”

Her recent post in November 2015 went viral across news feeds sparking a digital debate around the unrealistic expectations that are placed on women following pregnancy. Ms Rymill commented on the pressures and double standards that exist “Post pregnant women are told they look good if they return to their pre-baby body quickly leading to the assumption that they look bad if the keep the extra weight. Skinny people are envied for their lack of fat or shamed for apparently starving themselves. Voluptuous women are either labelled fat and shamed or they’re labelled brave for being comfortable in their own skin. There is always pressure.”

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The demands of pregnancy, childbirth and what comes next can hit new mothers and fathers hard and completely by surprise. In early September this year a photo of a mother with her newborn went viral with over 20,000 facebook shares. The story has trended across social media and news feeds generating a powerful debate about the realities of becoming a mother.

In the picture Danielle Haines cradles her baby, Ocean, into her chest with tears in her eyes – the image portrayed the emotional and physical rollercoaster of motherhood and resonated with mothers across the globe.

“It was just real, it was honest,” Haines told KPHO.

The picture was taken when Danielle Haines was three days post-partum and she comments:

“I was so raw and so open, I was a f***ing mess. I loved my baby, I missed his daddy (he went back to work that day), I was mad at my mom, my heart hurt for my brother because my mom left us and now I had a little boy that looked like him, my nipples were cracked and

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It can be very confusing knowing if your current low mood requires professional help.

At times the mental health problems you face can actually impede your capacity to access the support that is required. At times you can struggle to feel you even deserve help, support, or attention from others. Or you may struggle to feel capable of helping yourself as you feel so hopeless, overwhelmed and exhausted.

It may be helpful to do a little mental health check-up of these common signs of depression;

You find little interest or pleasure in doing things such as day-to-day activities or socialising

You feel low, down or hopeless about things

You feel tired for no reason and can’t seem to motivate yourself to do things as you could before

You have noticed a change in your sleep patterns

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